Jilara (jilara) wrote,

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Friend frustrations

I feel like I'm trying to teach someone to fish, but since they think food is putting a dish from the store into the microwave, we are going to have to go through an entire paradigm shift for them to get what I'm talking about.

I have a friend. Friend has a "hidden disability," that basically is a lot of hard-to-define nerve pain, and a problem with her hands stopping working on a periodic basis, accompanied by shattering pain, etc. She went back to school to learn a new trade that didn't require being able to type, hold onto a pen (or anything else) etc. (She had been a legal secretary.) She decided to go into social work, specializing in disabled people. Not the wisest choice, though I can see the factors that influenced her making it. She was getting along with a job as a teaching assistant. Now she's got a masters, is in her 50's with an advanced degree and no experience, and (surprise), isn't finding work. And anything that might be work requires being able to use her hands. Or to drive (she doesn't trust her ability to hold onto a steering wheel). However, she's also putting extra conditions onto everything. She's "refusing to waste her time" with interviews if she thinks they don't match her skill set. She's refusing to go to job search training because it requires her catching a bus 8 minutes after class lets out, or else she'd have to wait two hours for another one. She's got a zillion reasons why she's not taking action. And then complains to me about how her rehab people aren't helping her, because they're wanting her to do all these things she *can't do* and accusing her of dissembling and creating reasons to fail. And very frankly, I see everything that she says is just them being non-understanding, and I agree with it. So I've been trying to push her in the right directions by being zen, changing her focus, redirecting her, giving her puzzles. But it's like trying to teach a pig to sing.

And she has all this rage at the universe. No, she's convinced that it's really the "Ashkanic Council" who's loused her up, given her "blocks" that she can't work through. And who gets it dumped on them? Me, of course.

But I'm not rescuing her because not only is it not my place, and keeping her from finding a solution, but it's also giving her a fish---a prebagged microwave dinner fish with mango chutney, as mentioned above. And she's doing the equivalent of screaming for someone to give her that microwave dinner, because she's convinced (correctly) that she doesn't have the ability to produce prebagged microwave dinner fish with mango chutney, in little plastic containers that are sealed with plastic wrap that she doesn't know how to make, and that's the only way to get food! It's all the fault of all of us, because we are expecting too much from her! And especially all those folks in the Askanic Council who keep forcing her to repeat the same loop in her life, for the third time, knowing she'll fail! I have pointed out that it's like any other class---you keep having to take it until you learn the lesson. (Circumstances have bailed her out twice before, but this time she's on her own.) And then she gets *really* mad, because she's convinced she shouldn't have to learn this lesson to begin with, and everybody kicks her when she's down. And she's an old soul (she claims), so she shouldn't have to go through this crap! (Why is it always weird newage stuff that comes out, when people don't want to take responsibility for their own lives/actions?)

It's painful to watch, painful to get dumped on, too. But if she can't figure out the guidance I'm trying to give her to get out of this, and keeps shooting down every workable solution I'm steering her toward out of either fear or a sense of entitlement, or a sense that she has to suffer for karmic debts from past lives (which came out when she'd had too much to drink), I'm going to have the pain of watching her crash and burn in acts of self-immolation, too. I'm wondering if she's one of the ones I'm going to lose...

There are days when I hate being Auntie Jilara.
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