Jilara (jilara) wrote,

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Life will kill you, Part 2

I'm not dealing well, right now. Things come in threes, often, and now that I've had fate's one-two punch in the stomach, I'm wondering where the next punch comes from.

A few days over a month ago, I lost one of my closest friends. Yesterday, I lost my best friend Jana to a heart attack. At age 44. On the general scale of things, I think I'm doing better than when my mother died, back nearly 30 years ago. I've managed to cry a couple times and be angry at the universe, this time. But I know this shocked numbness, this sense of isolation, this inability to sleep, with a too-great sense of familiarity. With Lia, I had time to get used to the idea that she was checking out, though I hadn't expected her to go from diagnosis to death in two months. With Jana, there was no warning. She just dropped dead at work, in the middle of her morning coffee break, and CPR was of no avail. Goddammit, she was only 44! Admittedly not taking the best care of herself, but dammit, she was 4 years younger than I am! We were going to England, this fall! I already had a reservation for a holiday cottage in Cornwall! We were going to hit all the best museums in London! We were going to explore Bath together!

I'm not sure exactly when I'm going to drink too much, but I intend to get bloody drunk off my ass Real Soon Now. But after I deal with the latest crisis at work..

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