Jilara (jilara) wrote,
Jilara
jilara

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Maintaining

All but one of the most difficult phone calls are out of the way. I'm getting used to the idea that Jana is gone. I still get crying fits hit me out of the blue, and keep noting things I want to tell her, but realize suddenly I can't. I once said I didn't think there was anything left that would upset me beyond my ability to cope, because I'd dealt with just about everything, at that point in my life. Looks like it was true, as this is the most devastating one to come through, so far, but dealing with shock and grief has become...habitual. Like any other skill you use again and again, it's become easier to manage. Which doesn't mean that it hurts any less or affects me any less---it's just that I feel like my sanity and ability to cope are far less jeopardized than in the past. After one day, I was able to focus on stressful work stuff again, that required my full attention. It wasn't easy, but I managed. I'm getting better.

But I still feel like I'm standing in a lonely, windy, high place, where the world drops away beneath me.
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