April 3rd, 2003

Dancing Thru

coping, sort of

My brain seems to be able to grasp concepts and problem-solving again today, which is more than I can say for yesterday. Shock had taken my already stressed mind and pushed it over the cliff. I tried gallantly to do my work, but it was like pushing through a swimming pool full of pudding. Deaths never come at convenient times, but this is bad because my employment depends on being able to pull off my usual superhuman feats of problem solving, and I'm terrified of hitting the point where I am no longer able to pull it all together. I have gone over that edge briefly a couple times before, in more forgiving circumstances, and I don't want to go there again. I don't care that I'm so good at coping that the shrinks have asked "With all that, why are you still sane?" rather than tsk-tsking. But let's not explore that.

I just feel very tired, right now. Of course, the lack of sleep might have something to do with that. I have a headache that's had me popping aspirin, no real surprise.

I am not going up north for the memorial for various reasons. I have other obligations, is one. Plus that was going to be a weekend where a few of us toasted Lia's memory, trying to get some closure we didn't get from the funeral (Ah ironies.) And I think it would be Very Bad for me, right now. Jana would tell me not to do this. It's not like she's there waiting for me, and I can support her family in their loss in other ways. And be able to do more later. There is nothing for me in Tacoma except more draining of my fragile resources. I'm already working on a local memorial, and that's theraputic. I will get through this, but I need to pay attention to my own needs as well as others...
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    Chris de Burgh: Don't Pay the Ferryman