April 14th, 2006


What do you want? (2nd in the sorting out...)

Always those B5 questions...
"Who are you?" I finally figured that one out, a while back.

"What do you want?" I've been working on for some time. I think I'm getting closer to an answer. Looking at things with scrupulous honesty to myself, even though it sometimes makes me flinch from my own mind, and admit that often conflicting ideas fly around in here like bats in an abandonned church. I've been hiding things from myself, too. Quite cleverly, actually. I hide them under covers with names like "realism" and "duty" and "I'm fine, really." The last one is a particularily attractive trap.

The hardest one, that I realized about 3am last night, is that part of me really doesn't want to feel all my emotions. I claim I do, but if I really get too close to the issue, I start emotionally beating on myself. Because it means feeling things I regard as liabilities, like tenderness, like vulnerability, sentiment, grief. Things that make you less strong, that a part of me identifies as marking one as a prey species. And suddenly, I felt that stillness inside me, like a tempest of storm winds had suddenly calmed. A sensation I have come to associate with suddenly touching on a Great Truth of my Being.

No locking on this one. It's part of my facing my own Truth. Uncomfortable though it is.
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