Jilara (jilara) wrote,

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Living in the now

William Butler Yeats once described the sidhe as being completely at peace, their faces the faces of children, haunted neither by hope nor fear nor expectation. I think that is a very good summation of living in the moment. I'm doing much better on this, of recent years. I'm also finding that it seems to be a key factor in achieving a zen sort of mind state. Stop caring so much about everything. Stop worrying. Just enjoy the moment. Tomorrow may never come.

I think I'm starting to become better grounded. I have released almost all ambitions, at this point, as well as realizing dreams are just as good in the immaterial as they are in the actual, possibly better. I am the better for it.

I'm also finding I am enjoying having Dan around. I had severe misgivings about having someone living in my space again, but it's been nearly two months, and it's all positive so far. He's probably the most low-impact housemate I've ever had, and it's almost like having Jana back in some ways, except hers and my friendship was never so low-maintenance, because she looked to me for so much guidance and validation, responsibilities I felt like a lead weight. The only drawback is that Dan and I can sit up talking until all hours about just about anything, which sometimes leads to sleep-deprevation. I also can't define this interaction, except in terms of it being like living with a cat, where you don't pin any hopes or expectations on the other person, but enjoy the experience as it comes. No one is trying to resolve anything for anyone, and neither of us expects the other to do so. (I've been expected to problem-solve and manage people's lives for so long, this is an infinite relief to me, and almost worth whatever just on its own merit.) I guess we are compatible personalities. I can't say there are no fears, even as I can't say I don't have fears about my cats, and whether something could happen to them, for mischance, death, and sickness can walk anywhere. But one accepts that as a state of life, and moves with it. I know sooner or later he will move on, pass on, or whatever. But hey, that's life. It's a constant state of motion. I am richer for our friendship, wherever it goes.

I still haven't achieved peace of mind, since I still trip over my own head-trips, feelings of my own inadequacy, but I'm getting better. I keep thinking of what Brother Jerry used to say about "If god can forgive people, why can't people forgive themselves? Why must we have some outside validation in order to do it?" My shrink says you can't go back and fix things, so you can only go forward and do things differently, and that could be a big part of self-forgiveness. But it's still got a ton of work to be done on this front, because I suspect it's driven by an impossible sense of perfectionism, an expectation and ideal that is set far too high, but I expect myself to measure up to, and go into emotional self-flagellation when I fall short. But at least I know it's there, so that's the first step.

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