Jilara (jilara) wrote,

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Disempowerment in background conversations

Wow, taking the Communication: Access to Power course from Landmark has been a real eye-opener. I have a collection of background conversations that continually try to rob me of real power and real communication. I am suddenly becoming aware at why I'm good at things where I have no personal stake, but are still important to me, but not good when I have something of my own riding on it.

Let's call the first issue "I'm not a good friend." I feel like I'm not good enough at whatever I'm doing to deserve the regard of my friends. And if they think I am, it's obviously because they really don't know the whole truth about me. I'm good at fighting injustice if I can ride off into the sunset at the end, leaving folks going "Who was that masked woman?" because I don't have to be responsible, that way. It wasn't me.

Which plays into the other background conversation, which we will call "Am I doing it right?" with several subparts, including "What am I going to screw up?" and "What do they REALLY want from me?" I tend to keep reinventing myself based on what I think is wanted, or required for the job, but mostly it just makes me constantly questioning whether it's right or enough. Then I start disempowering myself as above, because it plays conveniently into the "I'm not good enough" discussion.

There's a lot of illusionary power in all of this. Because it give you a sense of control, in a very negative context. I've joked that I have no problem taking sole responsibility for global warming, because I KNOW it's all my fault. It's a twisty way of feeling empowered, but it's false power.

So now I wrestle with the question: what do I have to give up to have real power? Real Power is power over myself. How about my belief I'm not good enough to be doing whatever I'm doing? Wow, that's a tall order. The biggest challenge is being able to love yourself enough to let loose of everything. I'm finally starting to understand what Brother Jerry was trying to say, years ago, when he said "So, you think you're bigger than God? Because God can forgive you, but you can't forgive yourself? People also have to rely on God forgiving them because it's too hard for them to forgive themselves, and they can't accept that responsibility. So they give it to God. But ultimately, we need to reclaim that, and just be able to be okay with forgiving ourselves." Hmm. Interesting how I'm finally starting to internalize that...

I think I'm going to have to give up doing it right, and just do it. However. I overthink everything. I'm noticing I'm actually better when I'm going by the seat of my pants, and just letting the chips fall where they may. Because I really know how to do things when I'm not thinking. It's like grabbing something. Do you really think about making your muscles contract, and how the fingers have to meet, how much pressure to use, etc. No, you just reach out and grab.

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