Jilara (jilara) wrote,
Jilara
jilara

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Feeling like Last Man Standing

I'm starting to feel very strange, that so many of my friends are gone before, and I'm still here and likely to be for a while, if family genetics have a say in it, and nothing untoward happens.

I played Lorena McKenna's "All Souls Night" last night. Thinking of the amazing and talented people I've known, and the world is less for their passing. Jana Simmons, my best friend, dead of heart attack. Lia Anderson, next best friend, dead of ovarian cancer. Debbie Dumas, my best friend from college, dead of myeloma. Now Kayta Barrows, from myeloma as well.

I called several people who are still around, including Rosemary. It helps to talk to them.

So much change... Kash moved out last week, as well. I feel like my entire life is dislocating from previous times. Maybe the only things I will carry forward from here are myself and the few things I literally carry. There are new places I will go.

It all comes down to those Babylon 5 questions.

I think I know who I am...maybe.
What do I want? I want to be with Andrew. That's it.
Where are you going? Who knows?
Who do you trust? A small core of people.
Who is going with you? Very few, it would seem.

But it's okay. Life is change. It's the epic we all live. We move forward, or we are left behind...to become part of the memories we carry in our collective conciousness. Until we move beyond even that conciousness. I think I still have some years in this epic, but who knows? I carry the memory of the departed, until I too am lost. In time, all will pass, even this sun, this solar system, and the stars of the galaxy. We are only part of the stream.
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