Jilara (jilara) wrote,
Jilara
jilara

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treading water...

I'm finding that I'm not taking very good care of my personal needs, at the moment, because I'm too busy plotting and planning ways I might have to bail out friends, or being supportive. It's like everyone is having hard times, right now. It just seems so selfish to want to hole up and not communicate with the world for a weekend, or several nights, or what. People are losing jobs, losing loved ones, having very bad times with businesses they own, wondering where their next mortgage payment is coming from, having relationships on the rocks... It seems like my little bout of job stress is so trivial, because they really need Auntie Jane. And just when I'm drawing boundaries, I get things like late-night calls from the girlfriend, wanting to know the best way to hide weapons, and wanting me to talk to her boyfriend (my friend) because he's going into suicidal ideation. Yes, I'm really good at stuff like this, because of so much practice over the years, but I'm starting to feel frayed at the edges.

And part of me is starting to feel Very Very Afraid. Because I'm wondering what trend in the world this is symptomatic of. It's like the world has been completely weird since 9/11, and everyone is wanting me to try to make it better---and I can only hand-hold a bit. And I'm seeing shadows that are starting to scare the crap out of even "Little Miss I Can Come Through Anything." The economy is the biggest one. Especially now with long shadows of war being cast by the sabre-rattling idiot in the White House. I can't take care of everyone. Even if I'm doing okay, it scares me that I might be overwhelmed beyond my skills, if things get a lot worse. I'm only one person, and I'm the only thing standing between the darkness and the light for a lot of people... And then there is this loss of rights and freedoms thing, which is scaring me in a very viceral way. Terrorists, no problem. We all go, sometime. Police states, on the other hand, scare the holy crap out of me.
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