I watched grown men on the edge of losing it, a socked numbness set into the ranks. And we are the ones who are left. A cold terror clutches at me, because not only does it mean that I have 50% more work, and have been barely maintaining, but I don't have the people skills my boss did. The other writer is veyr confrontational, besides being a 58-year-old ditz whom I'm constantly bailing out, as it is. And I also don't have any idea of what my boss did in background that was essential to the running of the department. I know our printer, have dealt with him before, thankfully, but I don't know the FTP site to send the files to, the password, etc. Guess I'm going to find out. There's a secondary printer, and I don;t know who they are. I don't know the paperwork that has to go to manufacturing to make sure the Install Guide gets to them. Purchase orders? We lost the lady who did those in the last layoff, and I think my boss learned how to do them.
My boss, as her last action, was to send me an email telling me to take care of Jeffery, her boss. Unlike the previous boss, he's a really nice guy. And he doesn't have a clue as to what she did. He's asked me to try to find out.
Giri. This will keep me going, for the time being. I hate it when everything falls apart. There is no one to turn to, and I realize I am one of the sources of strength and competance. I hate it. I lost it twice, yesterday, had a private crying jag in my office. I suspect by the look of them, a few fourty-something engineers did similarily. And I hear the same thing all around "Iwish it had been me, not them..." And we are the ones who are left. We bond, we sympathize, we get depressed. A couple of the QA guys, bless them, took me along on their "destress break" and we played Carcassonne in an empty office for over an hour, trying to forget. It helped. It reminded me of why I got into this industry, all the great dynamic people.
Hard time sleeping, last night. I lay awake with my mind racing, obsessing. Finally lit candles, drank whisky, played Steeleye Span and Heather Alexander, trying to remember better times. I noticed Warren Zevon's "Life Will Kill Ya" was on the CD player. Great, not what Ineeded. And so, sometime around 4 in the morning, I slept. Welcome to the brave new world.