Jilara (jilara) wrote,

The Search...

I joked I was looking for the Christmas Spirit with a lantern. Maybe it's just I was too stressed, and all. I just couldn't even feel Solstice in my soul, this year, and I thought that one was in the hard-wiring. I can do things to help people, but get no satisfaction from any of it, , feeling myself too small and the wrongs of the world too large.

But I fianlly got through the Release From Hell at work, and have weathered visits of family and friends, and gone through rush-rush, work, work, and now finally feel like I've had one day of finding my sanity, with only taking the cat to the vet with a relatively minor illness. I was going to go to capoeira, but now am feeling more like I want to just kick back and take the rest of the day away from both people and frantic activity. I love the class, but sometimes my soul needs mending.

I'm tired, and I need a little down time. It's been too much, putting everything else together with working insane hours, then running, running, running with friends and family.

But I felt so good yesterday, finally, because I got to cook a big dinner. Cooking is a destressor for me, like ironing. Okay, it's weird, but it's like meditation for me. Aside from the fact that the oven acted up (wouldn't come on for an hour), I had everything totally under control, and everything all made from scratch and doing nicely when my friends arrived, so that I could sit down and socialize while we nibbled off relish and cracker trays. And I sent them off with not just a gourmet gift box, but tons of food. Which was my first sense of Christmas Spirit, as they rejoiced "We don't have to eat peanut butter for a while!" because money is tight enough to squeak, and like far too many of my friends, this one is underemployed at a job other than his "real" one in tech (and girlfriend is on SSI). It felt good to be able to make that small difference, while doing something I enjoyed.

Even though I'm having to borrow next year's vacation time because of the company shutdown, I needed this time off. I need to find my own space again, and enjoy just drawing breath for the moment. Isn't that what the Eldar forms of the celebration of Sunreturn were all about? Maybe by the time I go back to work on Monday I'll have remembered who I am, again..

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