Jilara (jilara) wrote,
Jilara
jilara

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I've got a date---why am I not really happy?

Okay, I got asked out this weekend. Shadow is a Nice Guy, too. But there's a roiling maelstrom in my head. I should really think things through more, before agreeing to go out with someone.

Issue #1 is he smokes, which could be the real deal-breaker, right up front. It's okay when you're outside at a Civil War event, but everything involved with this is starting to come back to me. I remember when I dated a chain-smoker that I was madly infatuated with, and the smoking memories are not pleasant. I even became a tobacco pusher, trying to wean the guy to a pipe.

And I have a tingling spidey-sense of dependency issues. I feel neediness lurking. And I think he really wants something completely different from who I am, but it's the novelty factor of dating a fellow reenactor who's this woman unlike any he's gone with before. Because no sooner had I said "what the hey," and given him my phone number, he started to hover. Nothing annoys me more than hover-y men, especially at Civil War, where I have a zillion things to do. Plus, he was trying to flirt during public hours. Bad, very bad. I am a "male" soldier for this one, a woman passing as a man. Don't even wink at me until after the public has left. Growl.

There's also a sense of "if it ain't broke, don't rock the boat." My life may not be breathtakingly ideal, but whose is? And I'm pretty comfortable with where it is currently. The idea of putting another stressor on it has the potential for making everything go haywire. Maybe I'm just getting old enough to have priorities, and possible romantic companionship doesn't amount for a hill of beans in real world terms. Everything has trade-offs, and I'm not really wanting to trade anything I have currently.

I remind myself that the worst that can happen is we do coffee or something, and I say "sorry, nothing personal, this just isn't where I want to go." I guess I have reached a point in my life where I'd rather do the friendship stuff, and keep other connections to Relationship Lite at most.
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