Jilara (jilara) wrote,
Jilara
jilara

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Peering into my brain chemistry

Interesting even at the time. I was incredibly bored, late yesterday. And it was unusual enough to start analyzing. It wasn't so much boredom as a some form of attention deficit. There was no emotional connection to things. I couldn't focus. I put on the new Uffington Horse CD, and was so bored with it I turned it off. I tried to read, and couldn't focus. They were just words. I stopped reading a comic book halfway through. Boring. I turned on the TV, briefly, and wondered why anyone would watch the thing. It was just a lot of annoying noise and images. I looked at cookbooks, and couldn't relate to cooking. I tried to pick up a pencil to draw, and my hand went through the motions, but I couldn't focus on what I was doing. It all seemed very pointless. Possibly coincidentally, I noticed that veins on the backs of my hands were bulging, and idly wondered what caused it. By this point, alarm bells were going off in my head. Okay, something abnormal is going on in my body, said the self-diagnostics. Surrounded by stimulus, nothing was stimulating. Except analyzing the symptoms---good, because it meant the brain diagnostics were still online and functioning. Okay, what will change the patterns? I'm functioning in info-bites---I need to get into a continuum.

So I forced myself to read a few chapters of a murder mystery by one of my favorite authors, that I've been reading, even though I had to read one chapter twice, before comprehension started to dawn. I knew I was making progress when I started getting fed up with the main character's abrasive actions. I also had a glass of red wine, in case I needed antioxidants. I read some more, then pulled out a copy of a 1724 cookbook and started looking for interesting recipes and visualizing them. Oh good, I was starting to be able to think of food in real terms again.

However, last night, I had a weird dream. I dreamed I was sleepwalking. It was dark, and I was walking through the streets of my home town in a dreamlike state, except I really was asleep in bed, not sleepwalking. At the corner of Burton and Fern, my dream self woke up, and realized I was sleepwalking, and that I really needed to go home, since I was wandering around in my nightgown. Then I fell asleep and started sleepwalking up Pineridge to Top of the World. There, I woke up again, and was startled to find that the place was built up, and didn't match the ca. 1980 version of my sleepwalker state. And realized I needed to sleepwalk to get back to where I started, because reality wasn't going to do it. So I let my dream self go to sleep again. And wandered down the hill and back through Burton, where I woke up because I had to avoid a car, seeing headlights, and hid. Because I knew that if someone found me, I would be stuck there, and not able to get back to my "real" body and bed. So I cut through Fern Canyon and the new park, away from houses and people, and ended up back in bed in San Jose. Weird. I really did use to sleepwalk, back when I was in high school, so it was even more odd.

Something intriguing is going on in my brain chemistry, but I would rather it didn't, thank you.
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